


A song of a despair

by Gia_cz



Category: SHINee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:53:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25454980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gia_cz/pseuds/Gia_cz
Summary: Jinki writes a letter.I wrote this short story because I wanted to spend some more time with our Jinki. Simple as that. Also, this is my first ever attempt of a story in Shinee fandom so please, be kind. I'm not Korean, and English isn't my first language. I simply write for fun.Warning: Paring subtly implied but you can just close your left eye and pretend it's a good, old bromance (if you want to).
Kudos: 2





	A song of a despair

**~** I found it wasn't easy to write by hand. I tried writing letters to send to my family. But when I took the pen, I was worried about what to write. There was this phrase in the letter, which I received saying, "I'm not sure about what to write" and I was able to identify myself with that. **~** Onew, VLive on 21st July 2020.

**A song of a despair**

He knows it isn't supposed to be easy. They made it tough on purpose.

_Find your independence. Become a man. Grow up._

Jinki understands their commanding officer shouted the way he did in order to bring all of them out of their comfort zones and to induce stress, so they (understand good soldiers) will always obey the command no matter how serious the situation.

He knows it isn't supposed to be easy. And although he likes to think that he is mentally strong enough to withstand whatever and however loud obstacles in his training, today was hard on him.

Jinki was never a strong runner, but the heavy military equipment made an idea of twenty kilometres near impossible in his head. Maybe it was his negative attitude that let him down; maybe it was the fact he was the oldest recruit in the unit. Perhaps they were just excuses. It seemed that their commanding officer agreed with the notion and ordered Jinki additional five kilometres. And then it started to rain. Not just your regular refreshing spring rain that makes you skip in the puddles and hum Frank Sinatra. It was pouring down like there is no tomorrow (and maybe there really isn't?) and his impossibly heavy boots toppled with his trademark clumsiness made his five kilometres run for survival something out of the fun edition of Ninja Warrior.

Here he sits in the middle of his neatly made bed with a few mementos from home scattered around him as he tries to lull himself with a fake feeling of safety and perhaps belonging. It isn't as if the other boys from the unit treated him bad. All things considered and the rumours which spread around like an infectious disease, talks about the idols being treated differently – better than the rest, they took him in with a bit of reluctance, but they took him in nonetheless. Didn't they?

Jinki lets out a sigh he wasn't aware he was holding onto until the sound makes its way from behind his teeth and it's somehow gloomy and definite. He was never afraid to look deep inside himself and analyse his most intimate thoughts and feelings, but sometimes, sometimes it scares him. He bites into his bottom lip until it hurts and he nods to himself in acknowledgement because that was real. Real and true.

He slowly eyes the boys in neighbouring bunk beds, but they all seem to be sleeping, or perhaps they do what Jinki sometimes does when he is too scared to think and pretends to sleep. His left hand plays with the corner of a fancy writing paper set his mother sent him some time ago in a hope he might write home. The scent that lingered to it at first is faded now, and the corners are all bent from where they withstood his nervous habit.

Of course, it came with an expensive fountain pen, and it surprises Jinki when he draws a little rainy cloud at the top of the page, he really expected the pen to be dried up by now. He shrugs his sore shoulders and wraps the soft blanket ever so tighter around himself. He knows he should probably lean with the paper onto something hard, one of his books perhaps, but he is so very tired. So he doesn't fuss when the paper gives way little where it bends against the shape of his uncomfortable mattress.

_I'm not sure about what to write. But… I do remember the day you told me it drives you crazy. The way I always walk away when you are loud about everything and nothing in particular. I remember the day you told me I should talk to you because that's your cry for attention. From me._

_How are you? Are you healthy and eating well?_

_You must be wondering why now? After such a long, excruciating time?_

_I'm well. I think I'm finally starting to settle down with more than half of my service finished. I'm well. But today was hard._

_It scares me sometimes, and I wake up in the middle of the night. I think of you (dream of you?) and try to picture your smile in my head, but sometimes I can't. And it scares me to death. The fact that I might have forgotten._

_Are you laughing at my sentimentality? Ki-bum says it comes with old age. He was always the smart one, our Key._

_Perhaps, I should have led with the story about how our commanding officer took hold of our cell phones and banned them for who knows how long because one of the boys started to cry with homesickness. So you see, my dear, I have no pictures to remind myself and my old head._

_It scares me sometimes as I wake up and think that maybe I should have listened to you better and face you head-on and brave enough to touch on all the things which I left unsaid between us. It scares me sometimes that maybe it isn't me who have forgotten, but you._

_Were you serious? Did you mean it? Do you remember it the way I do?_

_I do remember the day I got my haircut, and you ran your hand over my head because you wanted to know if it feels as funny as it looks. Ki-bum was lecturing all of us about the fontanelles, saying mine obviously fused prematurely as I have an egg instead of a symmetrical head. But you weren't laughing, and I couldn't either._

_I wonder if you will smile at me when we meet each other again?_

**_My dear friend,_ **

_I wish I could send this letter as the others I meticulously file away. I wish I knew what to write and what to say._

_Do you sometimes miss me too, Taemin?_

Jinki smiles into the dark around him, was he really that invested in the letter that he forgot to switch the lamp on? There is a soft snoring noise coming from his left, and Jinki doesn't bother to cover his mouth as he yawns under the exhaustion of the day. He knows he has only a few hours left before he has to wake up and do it all over again, but that's as it should be.

He knows it isn't supposed to be easy.

He is still smiling as he puts the small, neat square of a letter in one of his book for safekeeping. Jinki's heart gives a little excited thump as he reads the title of the book with his face ridiculously close to it to be able to see.

 **_Twenty Love Poems:_ ** _And A Song Of Despair._

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to, find me on Twitter (Gia_cz) and drop me some idea for some more Shinee related work 💎🙃💚 Stay beautiful!


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